ME TIME!

He is the reason i breath...







luv you son...

-ibu-

ANOTHER LONELY WEEKEND

When i heard the word "weekend" all of a sudden my head started to spinning around. I turned to hate this phase. Infact, I cursed weekend for giving me nothing but trouble and never ending dilemma. How I wished I could spend some quality time with my family without have to confront with others. I'm so sick and tired with all of these sh*t.

I imagined myself playing around with my son. Laughing together with my hubby. Reading books while watching my prince were sleeping so peacefully. I saw heaven on his eyes. How i missed him so bad that I could cry...God, please tell me what to do...this is really torturing me :-((

I knew i had created a dysfunctional family by not taking my son with me when i moved out from my parents' house. I was too scared and too dumb to decide. I was confused. Even until now i'm still confuse :-(

There were times when I felt so hopeless that I did nothing but complained. I did nothing but creating conflict with my hubby. I did nothing but some passive-aggressive-destructive movement. How fool I was...

I miss him....a lot :-(








At the office (3/19/2011)

-poor me-

LONELY WEEKEND

Hello there folks, how are you doin'? Hope everyhthing will be just fine. It sounds pretty optimistic, well at least I try to be one ;)

Now is weekend and I'm sitting here at my office working on so many stuff which manage to give dizzy effect in my head. How i wished i could spend my weekend playing around with my gorgeous 'lil prince Haekal. Laughing together...enjoying life like we'll live forever happily ever after. Free from any bond that holding us far away from togetherness. Wondering that day to come....

When the daylight's gone, and you're on your own
And you need a friend, just to be around
I will comfort you, I will take your hand
And I'll pull you through, I will understand
And you`ll know that...

I'll be at your side
There's no need to worry
Together, we'll survive
Through the haste & hurry
I'll be at your side, if you feel like you're alone
And you've nowhere to turn
I'll be at your side

That song keeps repeating in my head. I dedicated this song to my lovely hubby...really wished to meet him at this moment....

I miss my son also...indeed...



Kinda absurd,

Clinic, March 12, 2011


-rf-

SO CALLED "BREAKING FAMILY TIES"

Few days ago i read an article about family ties. Pretty interesting and it gave me insight, the very enlightful one. This article said that most of our fears was inherited from our parents accidently. It meant that our parents didn't mean to do that because actually they only wanted to protect us from being hurt. There's no need to blame them and waste our energy only to satisfy our anger towards them. It's better to let go and break the ties -the negative one- so that we'll become healthier emotionally.

After reading this i started to track my fears. Hmmm...it turned out to be much more than i thought. I fear a lot and that really gave me an aching for years. That's bad baby...really bad.

So here i am starting the move to breaking the family ties. First, i'm gonna give myself big warmest hug ever for being a victim of fear for so many years. I'm not 100% guilty. I'm just an ordinary human whom make mistakes sometimes. Second, I'll forgive my parents -especially mom whose anxiety sometimes messed my life- for inheriting those fears to me. I know you didn't mean to do that. You just try to protect me from hurt. I really aprreciate it. Thank you for your caring affection :-) *warm hugs*. Third, i shall let go of my past and start a new day as the new me ^__^

That's all my insight for today. So long fears....! *waving*


Grogol, March 8th, 2011

-rf-

TERUSIK JADI BERISIK!

Beberapa hari ini saya merasa tidak tenang. Ada rasa yang menggelitik hati dan menghujam jiwa. Hhhhhh...rasa seperti ini membuat saya sulit berkonsentrasi dan banyak melakukan kesalahan ketika bekerja. Mulai dari salah ketik, salah sebut nama, lupa kirim laporan ke klien, sampe salah jalan waktu nyetir. Doh...bener-bener deh errornya *__*

Komunikasi dengan pasangan juga tidak berjalan dengan baik karena sedikitnya waktu pertemuan di antara kita. Sepertinya memang pasangan saya sudah mulai merasa "gerah" dengan aktivitas saya yang kelewat padat hingga sering pulang malam. I'm sorry but i have to....*self-defense mode ON*

Waktu saya dengan si kecil juga jaaaaaaaaaauh berkurang :-( this really tortured me :-(. I'm sorry for being a lousy mom to you...never meant to neglect you :-(

Setelah dipikir-pikir secara lebih mendalam akhirnya saya menemukan inti dari semua beban pikiran adalah rasa bersalah saya karena hanya memberikan sedikit waktu untuk anak dan suami. Dan yang semakin memperparah rasa bersalah itu adalah karena saya melakukannya dengan kesadaran penuh. Saya memilih untuk menyibukkan diri dengan berbagai aktivitas demi menghindari konfrontasi yang melibatkan si kecil. Saya memilih untuk "menyiksa" diri sendiri dengan beban pekerjaan yang melimpah guna mengalihkan pikiran dari permasalahan lain. Saya sadar itu namun saya tetap melakukannya :-( what have i done....

Sudahlah, tak ada guna berkeluh kesah. Saya harus bertanggung jawab terhadap semua keputusan yang telah saya buat. Tidak baik menimpakan kesalahan kepada orang lain demi menutupi kelemahan diri.


Grogol, 3 Maret 2011
-galau-



-rf-